Intimacy

Today, my daughter took a trip to another country. We prepared....., and prepared....., and prepared for this grand adventure.

We prayed...., and prayed,....., and prayed before she left our city. This was to ensure her spiritual preparation.

Yes. We do believe in God.

We sang...., and sang,.....and sang to ease frustrations and to calm her anxieties about flying for the first time.

We praised......., and praised, and praised to ensure that those blessing would come down.

I shared with her scriptures to assist in calming her fears about the unfamiliar places, people, and situations that she was about to encounter. These scriptures coincided with the Hezekiah Walker song, "God Favors Me." The scriptures that I shared with her came from the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs 3:23-26......

23. Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble
24. When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid, yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet
25. Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked when it cometh
26. For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

I was happy to share these scriptures with her. I considered it to be a ministry to show and to teach her about her protection as she travelled.

Then I became still. As I was still, and read the shared scriptures again,....., and again,....and again, I realized that God needed me to see these scriptures for myself.  I realized that he wanted me to have  the assistance I needed to address my parental separation anxieties.

See. I need to transfer to her my energy of Faith, Spirituality, and Confidence that God's loving grace has bestowed upon me. Especially when or if hers starts to wane.

What a relationship? What intimacy?

Everything You Do Impact Others

As I continue to talk about the community of women, I must bring attention to those things that may hinder our support for one another. I think that it is important to address the  gap in the rapport between young and more seasoned women. This could be the relationship between mother and daughter, sisters, employers and employees, and even friends.

The main topic of discussion in this matter is "Actions". A person's actions say a lot about who they really are, right?  When decisions are made-whether informed or uninformed- actions happen and impacts are made. Not only do the decisions a person makes have an impact on their lives; but they impact the lives of others that care about them. Oddly enough, actions can also impact people lives in which there is no direct contact.

Impact can be seen as a double-edged sword.
It can improve lives: or it can ruin lives.

Scenarios for Our Actions....

A mother of four uses recreational drugs. She may or may not realize the impact that her actions has on the well-being of her family.  In her mind, she is probably thinking that she is an adult and has the right to decide if she wants to enjoy taking these drugs into her system. Technically, she is right. She does have the right. But, let's examine the impact......

• Her household is a continuous food insecure household because she supports her habits more than her children. She sells her food stamps for cash. Her children are hungry. She leaves them in the care of others consistently. She is always moving from place to place because of the inability to pay her rent. The impact of her actions result in child endangerment and the threat of her children being taken away because of child abuse, abandonment, and  neglect.  Moreso, teens and young adults-she may not know-  are observing her actions. They are taking notes. They may not be aware of the impact but definitely notice her actions. Direct and indirect impact. 

A teacher in an elementary school sees a child that may need additional help to learn and becomes impatient with her. Instead of getting her the appropriate help she needs, she calls her stupid, ignores  her requests, and talks to her as if she doesn't matter. This teacher is an adult, right? Technically, she has the right to call as she sees it. But, let's examine the impact.......

• The child stops believing in herself. She stops trying to do well in her  lessons and in school. She leaves her  homework at school. She consistently makes bad grades. Other girls in her class are watching; and they believe in the teacher as an authority figure, so they think that it is acceptable to call this student names as well. She falls behind even in other grade levels. She barely graduates from high school. When she goes out into society, she does not have the necessary skills to maintain a job and to sustain life. The impact of this teacher's actions has ruin the future of a child that could have been a doctor, lawyer, or the president of the United States. Direct and indirect impact.

A young adult is often defiant to her parents. She rejects their wisdom. She listens to others and consistently makes bad decisions. She is introduced to other things that will cause her to be faced with the circumstances for the rest of her life.  She doesn't care that teens are watching. She is an adult and has the grounds to make these decisions and walk along whatever paths she desire, right? But, let's examine the impact.....

• Her parents go into debt to pay for legal fees. They are her main source of income as she has to provide for her child. They have to rear her child because she needs to go to rehab or have left the child alone on more than one occasion. Her child is now being raised in poverty. Moreso,  those impressionable teens are watching. They may be unaware of the pain and suffering that the  parents and child faced. They may only notice how comfortable the young adult was  in making her decisions.  Direct and indirect impact.

 What if we really considered the adage, "think before we act". 

• We as women and  people can make more informed decisions.
• We will have the power to articulate and to communicate with each other about our concerns as well as our actions.
• Parents can connect with their children and young adults regardless of the generation gaps.
• Young adults and teens can connect with their parents and others regardless of their desire to gain independence and freedom.
• Parents can respect their children abilities to make informed decisions.
• Teens and young adults become more esteemed and confident in making decisions and trusting their own judgments.
• This process becomes contagious.

Your actions matter. 

I AM QUALITY

Merriam-Webster Online defines quality as how good or bad something is; a characteristic or feature that someone or something has....

What makes me quality?


The simple anwer to this question is my very existence. I think when God created me, it was part of his intricate plan to design me for that very purpose-to be a peron/woman/mother of quality.

Unlike so many other people I know, my quality was not nurtured by my parents or a strong and nurturing upbringing; but by the plight that I have faced in life.  I struggled in life.  For instance, I lived in poverty all of my childhood and most of my young adult life. I didn't think of it as being poverty then ; but it was.

I was so embarssed by this fact for some time . Even now, I am still pulling my way out of habits that cause people to live in poverty. I anticipate that my daughter will have a better chance than me to escape  poverty. When she does, that is when I will feel completely free from the imprisonment and the enslavement of poverty. I must realize that it will be harder to continue to mold her through this process because she has been raised up through debt and financial instability. (i.e. living paycheck to paycheck).  Nonetheless, it is my duty and responsibility to raise awareness of my shortcomings in this department. It is also my responsibility to identify the actions that I am now taking to RIGHTMYWRONGS. These actions include saving more than spending, working to pay off debts, creating a retirement account, showing self-control and discipline by budgeting, living below my means,  and giving God back some of the things he has blessed me with. In this way, my daughter can understand my struggle and prayerfully want more freedom than I have ever experienced.


I believe in setting goals for my life. It is important to avoid distractions and to stay focused about my intentions. Making the statement, "I am  quality" helps me to acknowledge those uniques characteristics about myself that have been embedded in my soul; that have been guided through all of my experiences in life;  and that have been shaped by the connections made from the neurons in my brain.  I aim to stay focused; and they-my unique characteristics- play an essential  part in completing each and every goal that I set out to accomplish. Since my characteristics are uniquely shaped and designed to fit me, I realize certain inevitable things. 1). I am the author of my own happiness. 2). If there are things that I do not like in my life, I HAVETHEPOWERTOCHANGETHEM. . 3). I am a loving person, a kind person; and I am concerned about those around me. 4). I work hard. I investigate. I learn. I know. I laugh. I love.  I live. I create. I envision. I lead. I  follow. I problem solve. I am a divergent thinker. I nurture. I cultivate. I empower. I inspire. I make choices that build others up and not tear them down. I am loyal. I am weak. I am strong. I bounce back easily(resilient). I am meticulous. I am imperfect. I fail. I succeed. I lose battles. I win battles. I am peaceful. I am boisterous. I am an advocate and a catalyst for change.  I am equally  practical as well as impractical.  Even these few characteristics help me to realize that it is the desirable as well as the undesirable things about myself that enable an ordinary person to do extraordinary things.

I believe that God has placed inside of me  a blessing to share with others. I believe that whenever my path cross that of others,  they will never forget me. They will always remember. I also believe this is how God intended it to be because the mutual exchanges of sharing what I know and learning from others must occur.

This week, I will go through life knowing that the quality that I possess is what God has blessed me with. I have lived a life that most people would become drug abusers and alcholics over; but God constantly intervenes and reminds me  of the very strengths that he has instilled inside of me.

Increasing My Networth

Net Worth, to me,  is the total of assets minus total debts.
In my Saving for a Rainy Day blog, I mentioned my current financial situation, "My Savings minus My Debt equals Debt". But assets are more than just savings.  They are income,  savings, property, investments,  and retirements. Or anything that serve as a resource to increase one's livelihood.

I would like my situation to improve to  "My Savings minus My Debt=Savings". I understand that I have to seriously work on this. I created a plan.  I have not been successful in implementing this plan. I need to approach my plan from a different angle.

My daughter looked at how much I make in a year and said, "Mom you will probably be comfortable in life if you did not have so much debt."  Hmmmmmm!  This leaves me no choice. I have to seriously look at my debt.

MY DEBT- Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note, Car note; Student loan, Student loan, Student loan, Student loan, Student loan, Student loan, Student loan, Student loan, Student loan; Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills, Medical bills; Credit card bills, Credit card bills, Credit card bills, Credit card bills, Credit card bills, Credit card bills, Credit card bills, Credit card bills, Credit card bills, ETC.ETC.ETC.ETC.ETC.ETC.ETC.ETC.ETC.ETC.

I want to reduce my debt by 12%. Even in making this statement, I remember creating this goal back in July 2014. Getting caught up in everyday life and work pressures delayed my memory of ever creating this idea.  I think giving my plan a percentage for debt reduction is a great way for me to measure how I would save money. How will I do this?

Plan Within a Plan:

Idea 1: Find a way to pay off my car note early so that I would have more money to pay towards other bills and/or to add to retirement or savings.

Idea 2: Pay a certain percentage monthly to reduce medical bills.

Idea 3: Take on my debt one step at a time while making a commitment to address all current, past due, and delinquent bills.

Painting the  Picture:

Idea 1:

• Know the balance of my car loan principal
• Know my interest rate  and how much additional money is added to my car loan each month
• Know that paying whatever % more on my car loan and applying it to the principal amount reduces the interest rates and the amount of time in which I would have to pay.
• Make a payment that equals to .25% of my current principal each month to reduce my remaining time (which is now 2.5 years).

Idea 2: 

• Tally all my medical bills 
• Pay anywhere from 10-12% each month; but no more than $50.00/month.
• Contact creditors to create a line of  open communication about my intentions.

Idea 3:

• Understand that I am committed to reducing my debt.
• Write down my successes and my failures for evaluation of my progress.
• Be willing to increase or decrease my debt percentage to fit my basic living needs or unexpected emergencies.

Looking at the Big Picture:

Making .25% payments on my principal each month will reduce my time by at least one month. This does not seem like a lot, but I can see the money that I will save .

Searching for a Community of Self-Respect

When children misbehave, parents help them to learn boundaries through positve guidance, time outs, taking things away,  and allowing some natural consequences to occur. In some parenting styles, spanking is used as a form of discipline.


So, why do the rules change for mates who impose physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse on their significant others? These repeat offenders usually over-step their boundaries without remorse or reprimand.

My Letter to Abusers

       Abusers, you use your power to abuse your mates. You yell at them. You slap and hit them. You belittle them in front of others. You rape them. You shoot, stab, and kill them.  Yet, you still expect to be rewarded for your misbehaviors. 

1. You attack your mates but still expect sex from them.
2. You verbally abuse your mates but still expect them to cook your dinner. Clean your house.
3. You undermine your mates by controlling their every moves. Robbing them of their voices. Causing them to live a life in constant fear .....afraid of how savagingly brute you are.
4. You stifle their abilities to make decisions but you expect them to respect your authority, to listen to and hear your voice, and to value and validate your decisions.
5. Your mates know that you are unfair to them. They see the existence of inequality as you make demands on them that you would not honor yourself. You are cutting off their air supply. They are struggling to breathe for equality.

Stop.

Stop stomping out your mates dreams and aspirations. You are robbing them of their self esteem, motivation, and self-worth. In a sense, you are revoking their civil rights and civil liberties all in the name of LOVE. Pseudo-Love, I mean. Could you, abusers, endure the same levels of stress that you force on your mates daily? Could you give out the same rewards to your mates that you receive from them-if the shoe was on the other foot?

Thinking....

You are in control. But why?  Because you are the breadwinner? Because you are a woman? Because you are a man?

Still Thinking....

Were you abused as a child? Did someone special in your life violate your civil rights? Your civil liberties? 

What's Missing?

Abusers, you need a time out. You should not be rewarded for your misbehavior. It's time to take things away. NO sex for you. Your mates should not have to share their inner bodies with you when you repeatedly disfigure their outer bodies. Positive guidance. You should learn about ways to gain self-control, manage anger, and to heal emotionally. Therapy will assist you in gaining the balance you need. Natural consequences. If you insist on disrespecting others to make it seem like you are in control, please do yourself a favor and leave. Your mates will appreciate it. They need to find their self-worth again. As your mates are looking for theirs, it wouldn't hurt if you look for your own maturity and self-respect. 

Final thought. Abusers, having real control means to control yourselves.

Sincerely,

Because I have the power to use my voice.

The Power to Empower

I AM AN EMPOWERED WOMAN. 

No matter how large or small, the community is an important resource for the empowerment of women. This is my belief; and I am always searching for ways in which my community can empower me , my daughter, and other women in my circle.

EMPOWERMENT BUILDS RELATIONSHIPS!
RELATIONSHIPS CREATE CHANGE!

"EMPOWERMENT-"

I hear this word all the time. I use this word all the time.  But what does it really look like? Empowerment, according to an internet definition, is the process of increasing the capacity of individuals or groups to make choices and to transform those choices into desired actions or outcomes. In my own words, I guess empowerment would look like..........

• Helping someone to identify their own strengths
• Helping someone to identify their own ability
• Helping someone to identify their own self worth
• Helping someone to embrace their equality and to acknowledge their own networking system
• Providing opportunities for women to be engaged in open and flexible environments that promote the utilization of  these potentials

For The Sake of Clarity-

• Having money is not always a  representation of empowerment.
• Resiliency does not exclude the presence of struggle.
• Children do not have to make straight As in school or to go to college to be empowered and resilient.
• Empowerment does not mean doing it all alone; social connections  matter.

Connecting women to community resources will definitely assist in empowerment. As a woman who has gone through countless numbers of struggles, I really know what it feels like to utilize community resources to get ahead in life (i.e. going back to school, paying for school with financial aid). In doing so, I was able to identify and find my strengths and abilities. Once I was able to utilize them (no matter how great or small), I was then able to become a contributor for community resources (i.e. tutoring other women who went to school and working at a non-profit organization to empower women, children, and families). I am constantly looking and always trying. As I have been blessed to no longer live in poverty(i.e. below the federal poverty guidelines, or receiving food stamps or welfare), I try to help others along the way to find their strengths. 

MY PHILOSOPHY:   Empowered women have supportive relationships (i.e. mates, friends, children, etc.). Empowered women raise empowered and resilient children. Empowered women become resilient parents. Children of empowered women are not abused or neglected.  Empowered young women are the catalysts for future changes needed in our society. Empowered women have a voice to use to advocate for their and their families' well-being.  When communities invest in women' potential, natural talents are exposed, women thrive, women model the likeliness of stability for future women; and the continuous cycle of independence and interdependence becomes a balance for success for all women and their families.

"I WILL ALWAYS TRY BECAUSE IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO USE MY POWER TO EMPOWER."

Saving For a Rainy Day

I really enjoy watching WKNO. It is a very educational program.  This past Sunday, I watched and listened to the financial guru, Suze Orman provide information about what to do with our money. Of all the topics discussed, one topic stood out for me-saving enough money to pay bills for 8 months. Wow! I realized that I am financially insecure.

Eight months worth of savings? That's a lot to take in.  I am not saying that this is not great information or a great idea. Nor am I saying that I would not try to do it but I am still working on one month worth of savings. As I think of how to make this possible, my current debt keep surfacing. I need a plan. 

My Plan:

1.) Find out about everyone I owe. Currently:Savings- Debt= Debt. Goal: Savings-Debt=Savings.

2.) Write down my fixed and variable expenses to see how much I am really paying to live. This would let me know where my paychecks are really going..

3.) Write down my monthly income.  This will help me to evaluate what I can really afford.

4.) Create a budget. This includes contacting creditors and making payment arrangements for past due bills. This will help me to control my spending. For instance, instead of going to Wal-Mart, spending money, and then recording what I've spent, I can reverse this action. I can follow traditional ideas and start  writing down the amount I am willing to spend and purchasing  items that are less than or equal to that specific amount.

5.) Find a way to make additional income. Explore job sites. Explore work at home sites.

6.) Reduce the amount of times in which I eat out. I can start taking my lunch to work instead of buying at restaurants. The average combo meal costs $7.45.  Let's say that I ate out for lunch 3 days out of a week, this would cost me a total of  $22.35 for that week. Let's say I kept the same pattern each week-which I usually do- this would cost me a total of  $89.40 for the month. If the pattern continued each month for 6 months, I would have spent a total of $536.40. If this pattern continued for the year, I would have spent a total of $1072.80, so forth and so on. 

I think most of us, including me, neglect to internalize our actions. When Suze Orman said, "You are your best financial advisor",   she was talking to me. I am not saying that it is wrong to eat out for lunch. I am only saying that I need to have balance. I need to feel financially secure enough for myself, my daughter, and my future grandchildren.

7.) Do not become overwhelmed about my debt. I think that I will take things one step at a time. Be realistic about my present circumstance. Follow my plan and re-evaluate it to see if any additional changes are needed.