Searching for a Community of Self-Respect

When children misbehave, parents help them to learn boundaries through positve guidance, time outs, taking things away,  and allowing some natural consequences to occur. In some parenting styles, spanking is used as a form of discipline.


So, why do the rules change for mates who impose physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse on their significant others? These repeat offenders usually over-step their boundaries without remorse or reprimand.

My Letter to Abusers

       Abusers, you use your power to abuse your mates. You yell at them. You slap and hit them. You belittle them in front of others. You rape them. You shoot, stab, and kill them.  Yet, you still expect to be rewarded for your misbehaviors. 

1. You attack your mates but still expect sex from them.
2. You verbally abuse your mates but still expect them to cook your dinner. Clean your house.
3. You undermine your mates by controlling their every moves. Robbing them of their voices. Causing them to live a life in constant fear .....afraid of how savagingly brute you are.
4. You stifle their abilities to make decisions but you expect them to respect your authority, to listen to and hear your voice, and to value and validate your decisions.
5. Your mates know that you are unfair to them. They see the existence of inequality as you make demands on them that you would not honor yourself. You are cutting off their air supply. They are struggling to breathe for equality.

Stop.

Stop stomping out your mates dreams and aspirations. You are robbing them of their self esteem, motivation, and self-worth. In a sense, you are revoking their civil rights and civil liberties all in the name of LOVE. Pseudo-Love, I mean. Could you, abusers, endure the same levels of stress that you force on your mates daily? Could you give out the same rewards to your mates that you receive from them-if the shoe was on the other foot?

Thinking....

You are in control. But why?  Because you are the breadwinner? Because you are a woman? Because you are a man?

Still Thinking....

Were you abused as a child? Did someone special in your life violate your civil rights? Your civil liberties? 

What's Missing?

Abusers, you need a time out. You should not be rewarded for your misbehavior. It's time to take things away. NO sex for you. Your mates should not have to share their inner bodies with you when you repeatedly disfigure their outer bodies. Positive guidance. You should learn about ways to gain self-control, manage anger, and to heal emotionally. Therapy will assist you in gaining the balance you need. Natural consequences. If you insist on disrespecting others to make it seem like you are in control, please do yourself a favor and leave. Your mates will appreciate it. They need to find their self-worth again. As your mates are looking for theirs, it wouldn't hurt if you look for your own maturity and self-respect. 

Final thought. Abusers, having real control means to control yourselves.

Sincerely,

Because I have the power to use my voice.

The Power to Empower

I AM AN EMPOWERED WOMAN. 

No matter how large or small, the community is an important resource for the empowerment of women. This is my belief; and I am always searching for ways in which my community can empower me , my daughter, and other women in my circle.

EMPOWERMENT BUILDS RELATIONSHIPS!
RELATIONSHIPS CREATE CHANGE!

"EMPOWERMENT-"

I hear this word all the time. I use this word all the time.  But what does it really look like? Empowerment, according to an internet definition, is the process of increasing the capacity of individuals or groups to make choices and to transform those choices into desired actions or outcomes. In my own words, I guess empowerment would look like..........

• Helping someone to identify their own strengths
• Helping someone to identify their own ability
• Helping someone to identify their own self worth
• Helping someone to embrace their equality and to acknowledge their own networking system
• Providing opportunities for women to be engaged in open and flexible environments that promote the utilization of  these potentials

For The Sake of Clarity-

• Having money is not always a  representation of empowerment.
• Resiliency does not exclude the presence of struggle.
• Children do not have to make straight As in school or to go to college to be empowered and resilient.
• Empowerment does not mean doing it all alone; social connections  matter.

Connecting women to community resources will definitely assist in empowerment. As a woman who has gone through countless numbers of struggles, I really know what it feels like to utilize community resources to get ahead in life (i.e. going back to school, paying for school with financial aid). In doing so, I was able to identify and find my strengths and abilities. Once I was able to utilize them (no matter how great or small), I was then able to become a contributor for community resources (i.e. tutoring other women who went to school and working at a non-profit organization to empower women, children, and families). I am constantly looking and always trying. As I have been blessed to no longer live in poverty(i.e. below the federal poverty guidelines, or receiving food stamps or welfare), I try to help others along the way to find their strengths. 

MY PHILOSOPHY:   Empowered women have supportive relationships (i.e. mates, friends, children, etc.). Empowered women raise empowered and resilient children. Empowered women become resilient parents. Children of empowered women are not abused or neglected.  Empowered young women are the catalysts for future changes needed in our society. Empowered women have a voice to use to advocate for their and their families' well-being.  When communities invest in women' potential, natural talents are exposed, women thrive, women model the likeliness of stability for future women; and the continuous cycle of independence and interdependence becomes a balance for success for all women and their families.

"I WILL ALWAYS TRY BECAUSE IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO USE MY POWER TO EMPOWER."

Saving For a Rainy Day

I really enjoy watching WKNO. It is a very educational program.  This past Sunday, I watched and listened to the financial guru, Suze Orman provide information about what to do with our money. Of all the topics discussed, one topic stood out for me-saving enough money to pay bills for 8 months. Wow! I realized that I am financially insecure.

Eight months worth of savings? That's a lot to take in.  I am not saying that this is not great information or a great idea. Nor am I saying that I would not try to do it but I am still working on one month worth of savings. As I think of how to make this possible, my current debt keep surfacing. I need a plan. 

My Plan:

1.) Find out about everyone I owe. Currently:Savings- Debt= Debt. Goal: Savings-Debt=Savings.

2.) Write down my fixed and variable expenses to see how much I am really paying to live. This would let me know where my paychecks are really going..

3.) Write down my monthly income.  This will help me to evaluate what I can really afford.

4.) Create a budget. This includes contacting creditors and making payment arrangements for past due bills. This will help me to control my spending. For instance, instead of going to Wal-Mart, spending money, and then recording what I've spent, I can reverse this action. I can follow traditional ideas and start  writing down the amount I am willing to spend and purchasing  items that are less than or equal to that specific amount.

5.) Find a way to make additional income. Explore job sites. Explore work at home sites.

6.) Reduce the amount of times in which I eat out. I can start taking my lunch to work instead of buying at restaurants. The average combo meal costs $7.45.  Let's say that I ate out for lunch 3 days out of a week, this would cost me a total of  $22.35 for that week. Let's say I kept the same pattern each week-which I usually do- this would cost me a total of  $89.40 for the month. If the pattern continued each month for 6 months, I would have spent a total of $536.40. If this pattern continued for the year, I would have spent a total of $1072.80, so forth and so on. 

I think most of us, including me, neglect to internalize our actions. When Suze Orman said, "You are your best financial advisor",   she was talking to me. I am not saying that it is wrong to eat out for lunch. I am only saying that I need to have balance. I need to feel financially secure enough for myself, my daughter, and my future grandchildren.

7.) Do not become overwhelmed about my debt. I think that I will take things one step at a time. Be realistic about my present circumstance. Follow my plan and re-evaluate it to see if any additional changes are needed.

The Tools We Use

Last week, I watched the Nature show on WKNO. For this episode, a pregnant orangutan was giving birth to her baby. As I watched, the mother squatted and her genitals dilated; and then the crown of the baby's head started to show. With her hands, she reached down below, felt for the crown,  and finished delivering her baby.

Funny, I thought. Then I made a statement to myself and said, "Wow, this mother orangutan has all the tools she needs to deliver her own baby."  Then I thought, gross. After the baby was born, she removed the placenta, swallowed it, and sucked the creamy substance from her baby's body.  There, I saw strength and said,  "This is such a representation of a natural occurrence." I started to think of myself as a woman and about other adverse situations in my life and the lives of other women. Then I began to think of the tools we use to deal with them.

Thought. We as human mothers rarely ever go through having a baby alone. There are health staff present before, during, and after the time of birth.  They are always there to monitor the progression of our deliveries and the birth of our babies. There are family, friends, neighbors, church members, and co-workers present to share contact and witness the joy in mothers' eyes. Nonetheless, just like the orangutan mother, there are times when we have to face adverse situations alone. In these times, most of us can use our tools to assist us with the strength to bounce back on our own. Or can we?

I know there are women who are confused about their strengths, but in this expression, I am referring to women who are not- they appear to have it all together.  Often times when women appear to have it all together, they get less support. They are cast into the shadows of  the phrases, "Aw, she got it." or "I am not worried about you, I know you can do it."  What if she does not have it all figured out? Will she still have the same level of respect from her friends? Her family?  Questions. Questions. Questions.

In our community of women, independence is encouraged, and it has every right to be. However, I have never seen a well-known public entity succeed without a network of support. When women independently use their tools to be an asset to our world of women, we as a community often pull back support. We pull back support as if it is no longer needed. We forget about the pressures that women, who look like they have it all together, face.  For instance, if a woman gets a job after being on welfare, the government immediately cuts her food stamps. If another woman, finally gets a decent paying job, no one thinks that her utilities should ever be turned off. Are we really looking? Did we internalize what pressures and other things she must be facing? Or are we assuming she has it all together  because she has used certain tools in her shed to grow?

 A fictitious example of a woman who appears to have it all together is a character in a movie, "Mom's Night Out". This character was a preacher's wife. Everyone came to her for advice (parenting, relationship, etc.) in which she willingly gave. She was the wonderful woman in their circle of women; but who was hers? She looked like she had it all together but the relationship between her  and her teenage daughter was on a constant battle ground.  This sound familiar; and I know if you are reading, you can relate.

Similarly, I can almost imagine the thought of the mother orangutan. Even though she delivered and groomed her  baby as well as went through the process alone, I am sure her smile would have widened if she saw other orangutan mothers.....her network of support. Their presence, I believe would not be to validate her ability to perform her duties and responsibilities but to acknowledge and to validate her strength.

The tools we use in day-to-day life are very important. I think that as a community of women, it is important to help each other to keep them sharpened. I know about living in the shadows of my strengths because I find myself standing alone and will do so until the purpose or goal of a task has been accomplished. As I close this expression, I would definitely like to see the mold of the mirrors change. As we look at one another, let's  resist the passing of judgment on our sisters. In our circles, let it be known that there is an opportunity for embrace whether we know the situation or not.

I think if  I do this, I am exercising my right to use my tools. I think when you do this, you are assisting me in keeping the tools in my shed sharpened. Let the cycle continue.